Planning for a glorious death, by living a wonderous life!
Empowered by statistics, community and a strong vision.
When I was in elementary school one of my Grandfathers passed away at the age of 80. My father and I went on a walk one day after the funeral and he encouraged me to recognize what had happened there. The funeral was full. I mean 100s of people full.
Everyone had a fond memory and a story to tell. My father encouraged me to think about how I treated people and to do my best to cultivate positive memories of myself in others. The next man to die in my family would be my Great Grandfather at 97. Another man whom people had deep respect and admiration for. The next, decades later, would be my uncle at 50. Then my other giant of a Grandfather at 74. The average lifespan of Black men within the U.S. is currently 77.4 years and within my family 75. In reflecting upon my conceptualization of death I find more importance in relationships, taking risks and being relentless in creating the life I’ve designed for myself since a youth.
From an early age I began imagining my funeral first and then working backwards. This influenced the type of goals that I had and the level of kindness and compassion I led with. I’ve heard people from different parts of my life, within whom I later reconnect with, make different statements about how they experienced me. Those exposed to me earliest saw a quiet anger and reserved boy. Those later engaged an optimistic and enthusiastic young man.
Loneliness and finding its cure caused that transition. I’m the eldest child, separated from my siblings by cognitive abilities and age gaps. So I grew up, mostly, alone. Maybe my expectations were too high but, growing up I didn’t really have friends who included me in activities. So I’ve always led social efforts. Traveling, dating, and being vocal about wanting more socially; helped me find social satisfaction. Not to mention I have a genuine curiosity for others. My sense of adventure and willingness to try anything helped me create shared experiences with strangers or familiars.
In high school I dreamed of having friends all over the world. I’d be able to go to at least 5 countries, blindfolded, and have someone I could kick it with. I’m proud to say that I successfully created that ability. But after so much travel; I don't feel like traveling far anymore to see my friends. I’d rather they were my neighbors. I weigh my social life very heavily when it comes to defining quality of life. Sure I enjoy time alone. Sure I laugh at my own jokes when no one is around. But I’d rather be a part of a laughing choir than be a soloist.
Despite my efforts, In the past 5 years I’ve also lost more relationships than I’ve gained. Yet I’m finding more comfort within my existing ones due to their quality and the fact that I’m busier than ever. I’d still like to recover the quantity of relationships I once had. Not on some “your network is your net worth” vibe but making sure that when I’m old I can consistently spend time around other old people. I love the image of hanging out with my Grand kids but I’d prefer consistent interactions with old friends. In my ideal world during my midlife I see my friends once a week. I’ve lived through 35.8803% of my life based on my familial averages. So I feel like I’m in urgent need of cultivating the infrastructure and relationships to make this next social dream happen.
What does every man think of when he imagines improving his ability to get what he wants out of life? Capital. Cash equity resources resources resources CASH. The ticket to living where I want when I want while doing what I want. And as our respective families grow; if I want to be around the homies its going to take a coordinated effort and the capital to secure the space. Buy the block as some say. Others may say start the commune.
I’ve made a lot of decisions that I’m proud of but am frustrated with. On one hand I took risks which informed my techniques and style but on the other; they didn’t result in the returns I’d like. I thought I’d have a penthouse in two countries by now. But I have time and experience on my side! My experience taking huge risks within the past decade actually reduces my risk profile a bit more. Why? Because I’ve come up short before. I’ve failed multiple times in public, in private and at high levels. A legacy of trial and error that I know will be mentioned at my funeral. But I want the funeral to be a retelling of my successes too! As I continue to work to have good stories at my funeral I find myself evaluating a lot of decisions and potentially life altering paths.
I don’t have dependents so theoretically I can take more risk for more rewards. But do I really want to put off having a family in order to have the mobility of moving around and taking financial risk? Is having a family actually going to take away from my ability to reach higher? How do my decisions align with my goal of living in community?
There was a time when I felt like I could be doing so much more. That my focus wasn’t where it needed to be. I’ve casually interviewed men with children. I ask them “Did you lock in before or after you had a child?”. My sample size is small but 90%(not exaggerating) said “after”. The 10% who said “before”, identified as workaholics beforehand. Taking honor in their self imposed discipline or addiction. I’m sure there is more to their story but regardless other than addictions to work, I’d like to be a part of that 10%. I don’t want to use the idea of providing for my children to put pressure on myself. That's not the home environment I want to cultivate. I’ve seen the stress that creates: Balding! And I want a full head of gray hair when I’m older.
As you can tell, I try to give myself the greatest statistical odds. But at the end of the day I’m free styling my first and last life. Moment by moment I fill in the gaps of the “how”. Focusing on what I want over what I don’t.
In my ideal old man's life I’m doing a bunch of things. I’m having the ability to jump and run around with my grandkids with my gray afro or locks(tbd) bouncing in the wind. I’m on the porch with my homies. I’m still driving fast cars. I’m flying with my wife to go see some art exhibition or eat at our favorite Kenyan restaurant. I'm a mentor and teacher to another generation of hungry entrepreneurs.
By seeing the end I create a hypothesized formula to achieve it. I work out, I only buy cars with at least V6 engines, I’m trying every Kenyan spot I can find and I’m continuing to test my mettle for entrepreneurship. There's no guaranteeing anything will actually work. I’d love the mentorship and guidance to skip some of the trial and error. But it's my life and I’m doing things for the plot. I’ve seen the end, I’m approaching the middle and I’ve had a strong start. I’m grateful for every day that I’ve lived and every day that I will live. Living a wondrous life in order to get closer to the glorious death and joyous funeral.
Thank you to the men in my life, dead and alive, who provide me with inspiration each and every day. Thank you to the women in my life, dead and alive, who provide me with reassurance each and every day.
This is amazing brother, great read !