I just won the battle inside, but what if there's another?
I don’t feel like doing this sh*t any more
At the time of writing this, I am at an in between moment. The past couple weeks I’ve been in a cycle of losing and gaining hope. I’ve got motion but I don't yet hear the universe’s reverb. Making long term investments during a time when I could really use some short term gains. Changing my focus to the short term feels…well…short sighted. Being caught in this space is frustrating but my advisors say I’m in a good spot. “Right where you need to be”.
Recently I decided to fast from anything that I use as a coping mechanism or to distract myself. I’ve been sitting with my circumstances and feelings every second of every day. Raw dogging life. I chose to fast because I had a feeling that I should. But it was necessary. The fast exposed how dark my thoughts could get. How powerless I convinced myself I was.
At the peak of my hopelessness, I was preparing a meal for a few brothers. I didn’t want to imbue my food with the energy of sadness. So with no music on or any distractions, I started focusing my thoughts on how I could make it taste as best as possible. I prayed over the food; asking that whomever ate it would be able to carry themselves through their challenges. Not thinking that, I’d be eating this food too.
One by one they came in and in order we shared life updates while preparing the last few items and plating our food. We ate in mostly silence because the food was that good. I made a quinoa jambalaya that I’m practicing to turn into a camping meal. Rich made a delicious blueberry jerk glaze salmon. Kamari brought the group's favorite cakes from Docs. And Drew brought libations. We toasted with a sorrel probiotic soda I had been preparing from them. Drinks were strong and every bite elicited another. The meal was fulfilling yet light. Perfection.
When it came my turn to share; I read my paper “Thoughts on dying” which by now I have already published. I shared that I was inspired by everyone’s momentum and clarity on their goals. That I felt like I didn’t have strong goals because I’m caught in a survival situation that's making it difficult for me to think beyond three months from now. I’m in a situation where entrepreneurship feels high risk and low reward so I want a “stable” job while I figure things out. Rich and Drew are a couple years older than Kamari and I so they alternated feedback. The feedback:
Certain ages and years and is just sh*tty for some reason. But it passes, brings forth new thoughts and character development.
The best way out the hole is to do what you know for now while you’re learning.
Synchronicities will emerge and then everything else will start to make more sense.
Knowing yourself makes it much easier to dance in a room full of people.
My mother had been telling me these things for weeks if not years. I usually responded with an “I guess”. Sorry mom, I’ll be sure to listen and move faster next time. But there's something about peer affirmation and comparing similar experiences that hits differently. It's not that the advice sounds better but there's a closer understanding and perspective on how the comparative stories or advice has been implemented. After dinner was over, some of us went out for the rest of the night. Upon returning home I had that classic moment of unironic *closed eyes* “I needed this”.
During dinner when I shared the details of my fast. I was asked if it was challenging. “No”. I shared that it was harder to choose against my coping mechanisms when there was no intention or timeline behind my relationship to them. When we cope with our challenges they don’t go away until we die. They have an even bigger presence in our lives when we are disconnected from purpose.
I always thought it was exhausting to have a purpose for every moment. So I’d go out my way to do something random for fun. Not realizing that the decision to do something random was an act of creating moment to moment intention. Warrior and monk codes emphasize being in the moment. Every moment doesn’t need to be productive or centered on value adds. But intention and energetic investment in the moment creates a sustained sense of value, purpose and decisiveness.
In upcoming life challenges I hope that I can remember the moments of reengaging my purpose. To remember that I’m not working to live with the challenge and disappointment but I’m working to build my capacity to overcome it. I pray that if I’m having trouble remembering myself, that I have brothers, sisters, and peoples around me to support me in remembering who I am. I hope that every time I look up I’m about to do a cook up; in feeding the spirit of myself and those around me. I pray that I value the love around and in me enough to cultivate it in every moment. Finding reason and gratitude for another day of running towards bigger and bigger challenges. Reaping the rewards of being present through all trial, error and success.