Filing the water wells in my once dry eyes.

Recently, during moments of success or signs of progress I feel like crying. It only lasts for a moment and feels foreign. I realize that success and motion require leaving old parts of myself behind. I’d hear this all the time. I even experienced it but it typically was a part of myself that I didn’t want or was aware of.

But recently parts of me are leaving, they aren’t announcing their departure and I don’t notice until they’re gone. As I find success and see a temporary emptiness. I feel the breeze blow through me. The holes aren’t gaping or permanent. I imagine them like the early Hulk movie where he regenerates his wounds quickly. 

I think the tension of wanting to cry is part grief and part excitement. I’ve taken a lot of risks recently and while I prepared my environment for success, there's a part of me that was prepared to fail. And success brings a quick death to that part. The air of change whips up and out the water in my core. Making room for air to fuel the fire. The unneeded parts of my old self, couldn’t handle the heat, and left with the door open behind them. Not looking back as there's no space now that the closer occupies this vessel. Doing what they do best; close. Closing sales, deals, projects, and chapters. All have the language of finality but really are invitations for beginnings. 

I think I feel like crying because I’m close to my arrival. The new version of me that is required for the environment I’ve built needs new tools and confidence in the hands that wield them. My supervisor for a middle school summer job once told me to “fake it till you make it”. There's a lot of talk about being delusional in order to get what you want these days. But being delusional is not as powerful as transforming the ideal environment into the ideal being not eventually, but now. If I want a house in the woods, building a cabin and pretending it's a house is not going to mean I made a house. I may learn some skills that cross over but I haven’t made it.

I think it's lil me that feels like crying. Too scared to shed a tear about the departure of the parts of them that they’ve grown to know so well. They’re under new care and leadership. Maybe he wants to wait to cry to see if this person is going to keep their promises. They’ve learned It's easier to hold a tear in the face of disappointment. But to be held in confidence provides true safety.

So maybe I feel like crying because I’m having to honor myself on a level I didn’t anticipate. I’m honoring my desire for the house by building the house not the cabin. I’m not just letting the undesired parts of me leave, I’m making a home for the go getter, the builder and the closer.

I’m not overthinking the how. I make decisive decisions, pray and meditate over the decisions rather than desires. Freeing myself of doubt and fear of uncertainty. Opening my mind and my heart to the answers of said prayers. Letting them fill the gaps of a spirit cleared of clutter.