130 Days of Solitude Completed

Reflections on my initiation into the next level

During the last quarter of 2025 I decided to embark on 130 days of solitude. I started because closing my start up in January caused me to have a huge lapse in my confidence. I second guessed a lot, ruminated on the smallest of poor choices and allowed the previous two actions to bleed into the future of what made up 2025. I noticed that I was allowing the thoughts and ideas of others to influence how I felt about myself and steer my actions. Not something I normally do but when I lost trust in myself, discernment wavers and everyone looks like a solid collaborator. Inviting people whose lives I would NOT want into my journey was my biggest compounding mistake of 2025.

So I used 130 days of solitude as an initiation into next level practice of intuition and faith. I used solitude as a time to allow myself to unravel and be vulnerable without the concern of input or influence of others.

I did this in a way that centered solitude and not isolation. Speaking with a coach and a therapist regularly. I made sure that I structured my time around creativity, meditation and exercise. Mondays, Wednesdays, Saturday and Sunday evenings are dedicated to reading and building the Journal Vision software(I may or may not release this). Tuesday and Thursday evenings, Saturday and Sunday mornings I dedicated myself to physical training (occasionally with a group). Once a week I’d strategically socialize through community events centered around entrepreneurship and live music. A simple routine that I now find so appealing I don’t really want to stop.

By day 32 I was kinda over it. I was lonely, bitter and having trouble escaping negative ruminations. They haunted me at night, waking me out of my sleep at 3am for weeks. I had to remind myself not to rush the emotions that were coming up but to fully feel them. They were trying to tell me something. I would sit with them and figure out if they were actually what I wanted to think. Choosing my thoughts would become a powerful part of this experience for me.

I gamified the process by deciding that I would pursue 60 days of awareness. Structured into 3 parts. First identifying the first and most prominent thought at the beginning of the day. If it was positive continue meditating on that but if it was negative, find a counter balancing thought. Second, find a song that correlates with the positive thought or where I see myself heading generally [Spotify playlist here]. Lastly I’d take the thought, turn it into an affirmative or prayerful statement, then combine it with the previous day’s thoughts or prayers. You can read the full prayer here.

Initially I noticed that even when providing myself a positive thought it would be a great challenge to allow it to overlap the negative thought. As I kept at it and each day adding onto the combined statements, the statements became more about truth seeking than emotional uplift. What universal truths did I want to apply towards my life? In attempting to answer I found that I had to rely more and more on God than relying on myself. I’ve always had a casual connection but this experience felt more intimate. I found empowerment through giving everything to God. My negative thoughts, my positive thoughts, and even my actions. I allowed very little to stay within me. The language I used towards prayer changed from top-down to bottom-up; directing God’s attention rather than asking and hoping for help.

Slowly, I found life easier and more enjoyable. By the 63rd day of solitude, I felt myself in this strange flow state. Things I had been debating about doing settled themselves. Every road bump turned out to be a boon to my time and creativity. When I started to accept the flow state, misalignment would make itself known very quickly. Either through body feel or out the mouth of babes. Having spent much of this year misaligned, the desire to stay the course outweighed all temptation. There were no forks in the road, no pitstops, no distractions, nor hitch hikers on this journey.

I was being rewarded for my consistency and determination. But it felt very different. I wasn’t brute forcing motivation but having faith and enjoying the process. There hit a point where I had a week where every single conversation I had, whether the other person knew it or not, was highly relevant to this mission I felt chosen for. Even my internal dialogue had shifted dramatically. I began to day dream about things that mattered more to me. No more daymares. No more nightly ruminations. I could rest undisturbed.

The more I poured myself into creative projects and pursuits the more I seemed to understand myself. The more I was able to dream and tap into what felt like a divine vision. I became able to describe the shape, color, smells, and temperature of my visions. I felt tapped in to say the least.

Around day 93 of the 130 days of solitude and day 51 of the 60 days of awareness, the flow state seemed to stall out. On day 100, creative procrastination cracked the door. On day 115, doubt quietly stepped in and a deep discontent made itself known.

There was this weird sense that everything I was doing was just a bandaid for my discontent. That the flow state activities were just a distraction. Looking back this was just a perspective issue. I had read this article about the two types of happiness. Hedonic happiness and Eudaimonic happiness. Hedonic is characterized by it being temporary. Think eating a delicious meal that makes you happy but the meal [hopefully] must leave you and thus taking the happiness that came from the meal with it. While eudaimonic happiness is a general sense of happiness in relation to the external world. I’d differentiate it from joy as joy is internally derived.

In taking count of my sources of happiness I realized that a lot of what I was doing to keep myself in a good mood was centered around hedonic happiness, “Live music, talking with strangers and… that’s it?...” There had to be more.

The only people in my life that seemed to be able to tap into and express eudaimonic happiness were women in my life. The inspiration I took from them was to find beauty and sensuality in my day to day.

Beauty like the bouquet of flowers I split between my home office and the work office. Or beauty like the joy in growing my beard out for the first time. Sensuality I interpreted as a connection to my body. Over the past couple weeks I’ve found myself at house music clubs or live concerts and dancing more freely than I ever have before. Which as someone who spends a lot of time in their head has been a flow state treat.

I asked myself what sources of eudaimonic happiness I could easily tap into that centered around my identity as a man. A tough question but the first two things that came up were strength and provision. Strength felt related to sensuality but was more about my sense of being able to affect the world around me. To be able to bear the weight of whatever the world throws at me. I have a 200 lb workout sand bag that created that connection for me. In reflecting upon the summer of hosting the speakeasy series, providing space and material for connection and nourishment touched on my ability to provide as a source of eudaimonic happiness.

Community came up as a big part of eudaimonic happiness. But I’m not feeling drawn to that right now. My experience of community in NYC has been defined by my own experience of fluid loneliness. From moving here and having professional friends, to changing professions and losing said friends, to being lonely and accepting of anyone who chooses to be present with me. Especially because NYC has a culture of appreciate me while I’m here.

But being in a moment where I’m trimming fat from my own mentality and building mental muscle, the solid foundation in best friends and family back home is more appealing

So if I’m not pursuing community; strength, provision, sensuality and beauty became the foundations of developing eudaimonic happiness. But something was missing. Mission/purpose. The last 30 or so days of solitude I reviewed my journals and saw how much my mission changed. How quickly I’ve seen results and when I get a small taste of success, I get bored. I found myself realizing that the next mission will have to be based on what I can see in my mind, expand that image into an even brighter vision and bring it into reality.

During the last few days of solitude, I acknowledged that there’s this weird power that comes along with perspective. As an avid day dreamer both positive and negative images grow within my mind with just the slightest bit of direction. I initially thought that I have to choose a positive perspective every day. And to a certain degree I do. But what I realized is that everyday I just have to remind myself that God has chosen me to experience greatness everyday.

Otherwise I wouldn’t have any visions to come to mind. But more importantly, I would not wake up.

There was a part of me that thought I could use solitude to speed run processing the immense grief I’ve been carrying. But seeing that rebuilding has been slow yet progressive, my perspective has shifted. So as the chosen, I must awake each day and acknowledge that I have another chance at an inevitable and ordained bright victory. It’s what my name means: One of noble promises who brings honor to this house and bright victory.

Each day is either for practice or execution and it’s not up to me to decide which day will be which. So everyday is game day. I played [mostly] alone for 130 days. I’ve gotten to see what parts of my game will continue to be developed and executed independently and quietly. So while I did say I was going to build in public, that’s not my formula for my best work. I’m excited to reemerge into the social world through my writing, events, and intimate connections. But a happy solitude has found me. One where I am steadily becoming better best friends with myself, my shadow and God.

Best,

Bakari A.S.